Even though grief is a natural reaction to painful events, it is often misunderstood.   Surprisingly. Sometimes we don’t even realize we are even grieving.  Shock, disbelief, numbness, sadness, anger, irritability, lack of focus, denial, sleep disturbances and loss of appetite are all common manifestations of grief.  While some people may feel despair or hopeless when they’ve had a loss, others might feel disoriented, “lost”, or can’t figure out “what to do next.”   Because there are so many ways that grief expresses itself, we might not connect our symptoms of grief with the loss we had. Sometime we don’t realize that our irritability or inability to sleep is because of the grief that’s still lingering in the background. In fact, the more we resume “normal” activities after a loss, the higher our own expectations may be to feel normal as well…and the more likely you might be to not realize your grief needs some attention.

“Surprisingly, sometimes we don’t even realize we are grieving“.

The Covid Pandemic caused a huge number of unexpected losses and unexpected grief.   Many people lost family members, coworkers, and friends.   And there have been many “covert” losses that have created their own versions of grief, as well. The loss of normalcy, work, income, social contact, holiday rituals, entertainment,  shopping, doctor and self-care appointments, physical exercise, structure and routines has impacted everyone. On top of this, many non-covid related losses, like divorce or break ups,  magnified the normal grief that accompanies these big life changes.  

Here at Positive Energy Counseling Center, we see everything from a Holistic perspective.  We know that lingering feelings of grief can also lead to health issues such as high blood pressure, a suppressed immune system, emotional eating and inflammation.  And grief is not just limited to our private life-  our feelings can bleed into our work, relationships, finances, and spirituality.

Grief often feels like a roller coaster that has surprising twists and turns you don’t see coming.  Sometimes the things you expect to trigger you, like an anniversary or holiday, may not be as hard as you feared. But then a smell that reminds you of your loss may overwhelm you with terrible sadness. 

Or you will feel an oppressive anger or intense resent, not realizing these feelings are related to your grief because you feel so alone. 

You might feel fine one minute, and even think your fine, and then dissolve into tears over something “trivial”.   

Its important that you know that is all normal.  Your grief can be constant, intermittent, and even appear suddenly and unexpectedly.  And it will change over time.   Some clients report that anniversaries of their losses can even feel different.  One year they might feel at peace with the loss, and another year it might feel more panful or poignant. 

Regardless of what losses we’ve had and why we are grieving, it is important to know that we all grieve differently. Try not to judge yourself or others.  As overwhelming as  grieving can be, it is a normal and necessary process.
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Use these holistic tips to help you process your grief and feel better

• CONNECT (EVEN IF YOU DON’T WANT TO):  Grief has a funny way of isolating us.  We might feel like others don’t understand, we don’t feel like explaining ourselves, or socializing can feel draining and joyless.  Yet, isolating won’t allow your grief to integrate in a healthy way.   Try to reach out to at least one friend, family members or colleague. Pick someone you trust and share about your experience.  Confiding will help alleviate some of the burden.  Feel free to tell this person what you need:  “I just need to talk for a minute. I know you there is nothing you can say that will make it better.  I just need to be heard”  or “I don’t want to talk about the loss right now.  I want to just talk about regular things right now. I need a distraction.” 

• ACKNOWLEGE YOUR FEELINGS TO DECREASE YOUR PAIN.  Did you know that labeling a feeling can decrease it’s intensity by half?!  It’s true!  Saying to yourself “I feel really sad today. I’m upset that I haven’t seen my family in months, and I feel bored and alone” is actually better for you than just letting all those feelings swirl around inside you.  Try not to deny your emotions as they come up.  Instead,  name your feelings and describe why you feel that way. Be patient with yourself-  don’t judge yourself by thinking “I should be over this. I should feel….”    Remember that grieving is a normal reaction to painful experiences, and that your reactions and emotions are exactly where they need to be.

• AMP UP YOUR SELF-CARE WITH MINI-GOALS:  It’s amazing how grief can zap the energy right out of your self-care routine.  Your motivation to even eat regularly or drink a glass of water might be at an all time low- forget about going for a run or meditating!  And yet, your sleeping, eating, exercising, and spiritual practices are the most essential keys to starting to feel better.  To get started, make your goals absolutely tiny. Just pick one type of self-care that you are willing to improve and then come up with a mini-goal.  For example, if you want to start being able to sleep again at night, make it a mini-goal to not lay down in the afternoon to nap today. That mini-goal will help you feel more tired tonight, which can help you get back into a sleep routine that will naturally start alleviating your blues. Sleep is a natural healer of stress, anxiety, and depression.  
  
  Or maybe you would like to start exercising again, but you have NO energy for it. Create a mini-goal to take a 5 minute walk today. Just 5 minutes! Once you’re out there in the sun, you can choose to keep walking longer but you don’t have to.
  

We all grieve differently and there are holistic tools you can use feel better now, and cumulatively over time. It’s most important for anyone who is grieving to know that they are not alone. Here at Positive Energy Counseling Center, we have Advanced Holistic Counselors that specialize in grief, and we have an upcoming “Grief” group forming now (contact info@positivecounselingli.com for details). We would be honored to help you find respite, and show you the tools needed to heal. 

ELISA SCHNEBLE, LMSW, is a psychotherapist at Positive Energy Counseling Center. She earned her Master of Social Work degree – with a Specialization in Health – from Stony Brook University.  She is a Licensed Master Social Worker and holds additional certificates specializing in substance abuse, anger management and crisis management.

Elisa has extensive counseling experience providing solution-focused therapy to individuals, groups, and couples, utilizing various psychotherapeutic modalities.  In addition to her training with Beth Miller in Advanced Holistic Counseling, Elisa also uses Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy and Gestalt Therapy as her primary therapeutic modalities. 

Elisa’s empowering approach, active listening skills and positive empathy help clients uncover their inherent strengths and enable them to overcome barriers.  She leads with a compassionate, accepting, and loving approach towards all people and all issues. Having lived on three continents and fluent in five languages, Elisa recognizes the importance of cultural context and of the cultural identity of each client, and places special emphasis on being cognizant and respectful of their unique personal universe.

March 2021 was the year anniversary of the beginning of a worldwide pandemic, and the END of “normalcy”.  The unpredictability and challenges of life with Covid lead to record high depression, anxiety, and grief.   Many people felt- and still feel-  a chronically low energy, hopelessness, loneliness, worry, fear, agitation and grief about losing the life they once knew.  I’ve been using some great Holistic tools with my clients at Positive Energy Counseling Center to relieve both Covid Fatigue and Covid Stress.

While life is not quite normal yet, there are some glimmers of hope that the world is becoming “safer”.   However,  I’ve noticed that many of my clients are still experiencing the same heightened state of covid-related stress and fatigue even though the pandemic is moving in a positive direction.

The truth is, we’ve become accustomed to a type of crisis thinking and crisis-feeling
for over a year. As ironic as it seems, we now need to start preparing for “non-crisis living”.  

HERE’S 3 GREAT TIPS TO:
“PREPARE” FOR NORMALCY, FEEL ENERGIZED AGAIN, AND HONOR YOUR GROWTH

PLAN FOR FUTURE FUN:  Start planning activities and events that you hope to do during the warmer weather and after getting vaccinated (if that’s part of your plan).  Schedule dates and activities with friends and physically put them on your calendar. This will remind you that brighter days are on the Horizon will naturally connect you to hope and optimism.

DO A COUNTDOWN: If getting vaccinated is something you have been holding out for, add a daily countdown to your vaccination date on your refrigerator or in common area in your home. This will shift your focus to the end-in-sight and raise your positive feelings.

HAVE YOUR “FUTURE SELF” WRITE YOU A LETTER:  To help yourself process everything you experienced over the last year, sit down a write a letter from your future self to your present self.  Have your future -self tell the story of the pandemic to your present self, explaining all of the emotions, challenges, and lessons you experienced.  Have your future-self explain how you grew during those hard times.  This letter will give you a spiritual perspective into all of the growth you have had, and remind you of your ability to succeed during super-challenging events. 

As covid restrictions begin to lift, it’s essential that we realize that returning to normalcy does not mean returning to who you were before the pandemic.   You’ve transformed through Covid, just as everyone on the planet has.  You have been impacted by both the difficulties and the up-sides of a very intense and dramatic experience.  Even if you don’t realize it now, you are resilient, you are strong, and you have grown exponentially this year.  It helpful to realize that your “return to normalcy” could actually mean that your “new” normal life will be infused with all of the growth and strength you have made this year.

KIM CALLAHAN, LMSW, is a therapist at Positive Energy Counseling Center who earned her Master’s in Social Work from Adelphi University. In addition her training in Advanced Holistic Counseling with Beth Miller at Positive Energy Counseling Center, she utilizes Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Mindfulness, Person-Centered and Trauma-Informed Therapies in her clinical work. She has a passion for helping others think creatively by finding solutions and opportunities that are outside of the box.  Kim has worked with diverse populations, empowering her clients to triumph over life transitions, trauma, self-esteem, self-worth, anxiety and grief.  She is experienced in counseling both young adults and adults dealing with anxiety, depression, trauma, grief, adjustment issues and relationship problems.

(This article is for all of the homeschooling kids, tweens, teens, and college students out there. But if you’re the Mom or Dad: remember that your kids may seem better than they really are. Be sure to forward this article to your children and other parents)

If you are young and homeschooling because of Covid, we’ve got to talk.

First, how’s your “school year” going so far? I know you’re strong and you’ve adjusted really well.
You’re resilience has been really impressive.
But sometimes it’s probably hard to complete your school work or care about your classes. On some days you may not even want to shower, clean your room, or talk to anybody. You might not feel motivated to do much except play video games or sleep.

I get it. I help a lot of teens at Positive Energy Counseling Center, and they all tell me how stressful homeschooling can be. Even though a lot of kids tell me the prefer not having to go to school, they also also feel more lonely, depressed, anxious, and super bored!  

If this sounds like how you feel sometimes, guess what? You’re NORMAL.  

This been a crazy year and you’ve had to deal with a lot of changes. And because a lot of these changes have been out of your control, there are some simple things YOU can to do that will help you feel a lot better right away.
(In fact, I tell most parents that their kids must do these things to prevent depression and anxiety).

IF YOU’RE COVID HOMESCHOOLING, HERE ARE MY TOP 3 TIPS THAT WILL HELP YOU FEEL LIKE “YOU” AGAIN
(yes-they really work & are worth your time)

BREAK OUT OF THE BEDROOM!
Many of you like the peace and quiet of your bedroom, especially when you need to do school work.  And I know how annoying the rest of the house may be for you. Leaving your bedroom means you have to listen to your Dad on a LOUD work call and your brother having another tantrum.

Others of you may be dealing with TOO MUCH QUIET because you’re home alone. With your parents at work and your siblings at school, your empty house can feel kind of weird and lonely.

But here’s the deal-  you know it’s not good for you to be in your bedroom all day.  You can feel it.  Your energy is dropping.  You feel…bored,  isolated, or sad. You’re just not yourself. Sure, you love that you can play video games all day without your pesky parents limiting screen time, but you are also getting more numb and detached by staring at the screen all day.

It’s important for you to pay attention to how you feel and make some changes.  

So….when you have a free period or a break in your day, leave your bedroom and:
-Go hang out in another room for a few minutes.
-Go to the kitchen for breakfast, lunch, and snacks.
–Don’t eat any meals or snacks in your room.
-Eat with your family if they are home.
-Bonus points if you actually hang out with your family
(Hint for parents: you can make simple rules like “no eating in your room” for your child.
(Extra Hint for parent: when you child does leave their room, reinforce this by making it pleasant. If they are yelled at or are met with chores to do immediately, this may send them back to their room. Have structured time for chores instead so that they don’t hide in their room to avoid you.)

ACTUALLY TALK TO A LIVE HUMAN (OTHER THAN YOUR FAMILY)
When we spend a lot of time alone, the idea of talking to someone can seem exhausting. We can even start to feel like we’re a burden. Some kids even feel like they stress their parents out or annoy them.  

Attention!  Covid stresses everyone out, including your parents. Try not to take this too personally.  

Human beings are VERY social animals- we need social contact more than we realize, so:
-Call, facetime, or video at least one friend or family member a day.  
-Even if you don’t want to do this, even if you think you don’t “need” this, you do!
-If the idea of reaching out or making plans to chat with someone is too much, start by leaving a nice comment on a friend’s post on social media (or tag a friend in the comments of a post you want to share with them)

GO OUTSIDE TO FEEL BETTER INSIDE
It’s funny.  Have you ever noticed that when your energy is low, you don’t’ want to move?  You feel like such a blob.   But when you do finally move your body around, you feel so much better!

Here’s the deal-  you need to move your body everyday to prevent depression, anxiety, overeating, mounting anger, and moodiness.
-Exercise/move your body for at least 30 minutes everyday
-Go for a bike ride, take a walk with someone, run around the backyard, do an online WOD, jump rope, play a family game, shoot on net, shoot some hoops, play wii
-If you “can’t” find the energy to move your body, at least just go outdoors and get some fresh air. 
-Sit on your porch, or back deck, or in the yard (wherever your parents think is safe)
-Do your homework outside or take 5-minute breaks outdoors
-Take a breath, notice the trees or grass, just chill
–Sit in the sun for at least 20 mins so you get Vitamin D needed to prevent depression
-If you are unable to go outside, open up a window or the blinds and let some light in!

It’s January and you might be hoping that this year things will be different.  You’ve got your fingers crossed to feel good this year, to be stress-free, to be able to go with the flow, and love your life. Because even though you have a good life, maybe even great one, somehow anxiety gets the best of you anyway.

Most people who suffer from stress, worry, and anxiety have tried a few things to get relief: psychotherapy, medication, self-help books, meditation. Maybe you have even tried sex, sugar, alcohol, drugs, shopping, or exercise. The truth is, most of those things (both the healthy and not-so-healthy) will help relieve your stress to some degree but you need more than a temporary fix. This year is your year to feel good and to finally let go of the strange fear that has been siphoning the happy out of your day.

The deal is, to cure anxiety (and it’s friends “stress” and “worry”) you simply have to cure it on every layer of your being. If you have anxiety, it has woven itself into the fabric of your WHOLE being. That’s right, you need to reprogram all of the layers of you- not just change how you think (your mental layer) or learn to belly breath (your physical layer). After 20 years of treating anxiety, practicing as a psychotherapist, life coach, energy healer, spiritual counselor and devotee of science, I just had to put everything I knew in one place for people so I wrote this “ultimate modern therapy” program called The Soul Cure For Anxiety.  It reprograms anxiety by finding all the places it hides in your system and rewrites a new reality.  Here’s some tools from the program to help you right now:

THE 7 LAYER FIX TO CURE ANXIETY DOWN TO YOUR CORE

1)YOUR PHYSICAL LAYER: to reprogram this layer you need to practice the tools that re-wire your amp-ed up system. Learning to meditate to reduce your baseline anxiety level, belly breath to calm you down when you start spiraling during what I call a “Peak Incident”, use freezing cold water to stop and anxiety attack and master the 7 Non-Negotiables to have a stress-resistant body are imperative. The muscle memory of body must be reprogrammed to be at ease throughout the day so that it is natural to respond to life in a calm and collected way. Anxious people tend to be so afraid of their anxiety that their fear escalates their responses to triggers.

Try this tool out next time you feel stress or an anxiety attack coming on: Stop your body from moving. Freeze. If you can, lay down on the floor or on a couch and put your arms in an X over your chest. Take a nice deep belly breath. Now explain to yourself what is happening like this: “I am getting stressed. I am starting to get revved up and my heart is racing. My breath has gotten shallow.  This is adrenaline in my body.  That’s all it is.  This is just stress and nothing more.” And now talk yourself into how you want to feel: “I can breath, I take a deep breath. Everything is okay. All is well in my world. I will be fine as the adrenaline leaves my body.”

2) YOUR MENTAL LAYER: your mind has probably felt like your enemy for quite some time now. After all, it surely seems to concoct lots of things for you to ruminate about. Reprogramming this layer requires that you become the Observer who is in charge of letting go of thoughts and discard all of the anxious beliefs you have inherited. I literally teach people tons of mental tricks to guide the magnificent workshop of their mind to a happy place where it can benefit them. Try this one next time you find your thinking about something that causes you anxiety: observe the problem thought and decide to “change the channel”. Say to yourself “I am changing the channel of this thought and mentally turn the dial to something- anything- you like better. You can turn to a mental channel that has cute puppies, your favorite funny memory, a successful moment in time, roses and peonies, or angels. Yes, you might need to do this over and over. After all, you are reprogramming the mind until you are the one in charge (the way it’s supposed to be).

3) YOUR EMOTIONAL LAYER: When reprogramming the emotional layer, it’s interesting (and healing) to see how anxiety has actually served you. All behaviors- even the messy, annoying ones- have served us now or at some time. In this layer, we honor the old stuff we’ve been carrying around and then put it down. Anxiety has usually helped people stay safe (by not being authentic), enabled them to cope, or distracted them like the useful decoy it can be. I often see this with grief: people engaging in anxious thoughts about this or that to distract them from feeling some deep sadness. Here’s something to try: ask yourself what would you REALLY be feeling if you weren’t busy with worry or anxiety. OR ask yourself: what parts of authentic self am I not letting be exposed? Listen to the answer closely.

4) YOUR ENERGETIC LAYER: The deal is that we all have energy blocks. Energy flows perfectly until it gets jammed up in our energy bodies from life experiences. Anxiety is a major energy block and it causes energy gridlocks as well. We must must must deal with ourselves on a energetic level and move this energy. The good news is that it’s not terribly hard to do and if you use an energy healing method like “Tapping” or “EFT” you will relieve the anxiety in the moment and rewire your energy body reducing the likelihood of future episodes. Use this video to alleviate your fear with tapping. In addition, people need to learn and I teach people how to protect their own energy fields with techniques that acknowledge just how sponge-like most of us are.

5) YOUR BEHAVIORAL LAYER: Unwittingly, many of your behaviors are actually causing your anxiety. To rewire this layer, we need to rewire your avoidance and procrastination, get you unhooked from the overdose of EMFS from media, and help you say Yes and No to what you really need and who you really are. Try this out: Use my “Tipping Point Tool” and evaluate all things with this question- “Will saying yes to this (whatever you are making a decision about) truly add more joy to my life or will it add more stress?”  follow the advice of your answer, even if it does against your habits and norm.

6) YOUR SPIRITUAL LAYER: I really enjoy teaching people how anxiety is not an enemy, not a mystery, but actually a CALLING. That’s right: it’s a calling to your soul to align yourself with your highest self. Reprogramming this layer means becoming aware of your true essence as a being of love and light that is perfect- right here and now- as you are, and as you are growing. The love for the self is expanded to included the love of all perfectly imperfect beings. Sure it’s hard! Spirituality is not for the faint of heart. But this is how you transform anxiety into a way to connect in and up. Try this tool out: Ask yourself what judgmental, fear-based beliefs you have about yourself that need a dose of love. The answer, my friend, is how your anxiety is helping you to grow.

7) YOUR KARMIC LAYER: This layer can be confusing to some and can mess with their own personal beliefs systems, but the meat of the material is actually pretty simple. Your soul is seeking spiritual perfection or enlightenment, meaning that while you are hanging out on earth you are trying to be your highest- most “god-like” self. Trouble is, we carry the energy from this life and the past because energy cannot be destroyed, only transformed. This is why your anxiety is actually a much bigger picture- it is not only a calling for you to become more “love” and “light” -like for your benefit now, but to also finally realize this truth for eternity.  I coined a phrase: “The Soul’s Eye View”.  Now ask yourself,  how are the issues that make me anxious trying to help my soul grow and change, for both my betterment and that of others (because we are all connected and helping one another grow)? This is what the Soul’s Eye shows us.

It’s pretty simple to see, because most interventions used in the past to help anxiety have often been too narrow, how and why little change has occurred for stressed, worried, and anxious people. In my 20 years of treating anxiety, I surely have seen what works…and what doesn’t.
If you would like to learn more about how I brought all of the tools together to heal each layer of the being check out THE SOUL CURE FOR ANXIETY: The Ultimate Modern Therapy To Be Calm, Cool, and Connected (no matter what happens in life) and sign-up to download your Free meditations.

It’s my mission to cure this world of anxiety- let’s do this together!

Wishing you a calm, cool, and connected year,

Beth Miller, LCSW, CEC

Beth Miller is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Life Coach, energy healer, and spiritual counselor in Bayport, Long Island, New York USA.  She has one foot firmly planted on the earth while the other is exploring the spiritual mysteries of energy.  She works with individuals in person and via telephone, teaches workshops and groups, and has a lively YouTube channel in which she teaches tools to cure anxiety and get in the flow of life. She is the author of The Soul Cure For Anxiety: The Ultimate Modern Therapy To Be Calm, Cool, and Connected (no matter what happens in life), a program that delivers the most effective therapy treatment to the inbox of anyone and everyone who wants to radically change their stress, worry, and anxiety.

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Feeling good is all about focus. When you feel stressed, worried, anxious, disappointed, low, disheartened, or any variation of “bad”, it’s pretty easy to get sucked into the rabbit hole and not know how to get out. The problem is that you mind has gotten focused on stuff that makes you feel bad and you have forgotten that there are other things you could put your focus on.

The number of items we have available to focus are (possibly) infinite. Every moment is like being at a huge outdoor flea market that spans for miles that has thousands of vendors, each with hundreds of items at their table. There is so much to see, so many things to pick up and turn over, things to consider buying and others to be dismissed.

When you are feeling happy, you have found items at the flea market of life that you like. You have wandered around and found a table that has the perfect little trinkets that make your heart sing and feed your senses. You ignored the tables with rubbish or old parts that didn’t appeal to you and for this you were rewarded with the bliss of having found just the thing you were looking for. You were selective. You did not go up to the tables with rubbish and think “This place has nothing but garbage for sale. This flea market is a waste of time. What a terrible day.” Instead, you stayed focused and wide eyed, keeping your intention on what you wanted and passing the items that that were ugly or broken.

Recently I was talking to a friend who felt she over indulged during the holidays. She was feeling low about all of the food and wine she consumed, and felt like it would be an uphill battle to undo the weight gain and bloating she incurred. I told her my number #1 trick for feeling happy and being able to make change easily:

KEEP THE FOCUS ON THE STRENGTHS OF ANY SITUATION.
I asked her: what good things have you done for your body over this time, even though you indulged in more food and wine than usual. She had a quick reply: “I drank my green shake every morning, I went to the gym most days, I ran around with the kids outdoors.” And, I asked, what good things happened over the holiday? “Oh, we had such a great time, we saw so many friends. It was our best holiday ever.”

I asked her to check in and see how she was feeling to which she replied “I actually feel much better! I feel like I DID do a lot of great things for my body and I feel like I had such a wonderful time over the holiday that it was perfect. I feel like I can get back on board really easily.”

She felt great and nothing at all had changed except her focus. She was counting the strengths in her situation instead of the deficits, focusing on everything she did well or good instead of where she wasn’t perfect. This not only changed the energy she has and how she feels about herself, but also made her more enthusiastic about being able to recover from the holidays and advance easily!

The number of items there are to think about are enormous. Our focus can be on war, flavors of iced tea, styles of cars made in 1969, the people who make us laugh, the most annoying aspects of our boss, the best book we every read, the worst betrayal of our lives, everything that’s wrong with our partner, our favorite birthday party, what to make for dinner, or who to send love energy to. They are all equal options, all for show at the flea market, ready for us to pay attention to and take them home. We have the choice about what items to bring into focus and what items to pass by, moving on to what fills our need. If we choose to always focus on the strengths of any situation, we are bound to veer towards the thoughts that will support us, encourage us, celebrate us, and inspire to keep becoming even stronger.

Beth Miller is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Life Coach, energy healer, and spiritual counselor in Bayport, Long Island, New York USA.  She has one foot firmly planted on the earth while the other is exploring the spiritual mysteries of energy.  She works with individuals in person and via telephone, teaches workshops and groups, and has a lively YouTube channel in which she teaches tools to cure anxiety and get in the flow of life. She is the author of The Soul Cure For Anxiety: The Ultimate Modern Therapy To Be Calm, Cool, and Connected (no matter what happens in life), a program that delivers the most effective therapy treatment to the inbox of anyone and everyone who wants to radically change their stress, worry, and anxiety.

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